What is it like to be disowned?

I never imagined that I wouldn’t be speaking to my dad; not receiving or making birthday calls, getting together for dinners, holidays, or that he wouldn’t be at my wedding. You see, my dad is still alive – he just simply chooses not to see or speak to me (and my sister). The day my dad didn’t show up to my wedding was the day he disowned me. We have not seen one another or spoken since. I’m sure if you asked him why, it’s NOT because I married an African American, but deep down I know the truth. If he used my marriage as the excuse to divorce my Mom, why would I think any different?

I’ve been asked “what is it like to be disowned” more than I can count…so here is the God’s honest truth.

It makes you sad! We grow up hearing and believing that our parents will love us unconditionally. That they’ll be here for us no matter who we are, what we become, where we go and what we do. Only to find out – it wasn’t unconditional at all. It was under the condition that I follow the rules, stay quiet, and go along with the school, career, husband, and life chosen for me. I struggle a lot with the fact that choosing happiness wasn’t acceptable. That it warranted a complete cut-off from my life. I mean sheesh even murderers get visits from their parents! It sucks when I couldn’t tell him he was going to be a grandpa for the first time, when my daughter was born, or when she started doing things that he used to tell me I did. Sometimes I find myself jealous when my husband calls my father-in-law to ask a question about a house project, a leaky sink, or another “Dad” related issue. These are the times that it hits you…and I know there will be many more.

It makes you mad! A few of my best friends’ have lost a parent in recent years. Their parents missed weddings, births of their grandchildren, and other milestones…not because they choose to. Yet here is my dad – choosing to miss all of this. I felt a lot of anger when I watched my friends walk down the aisle and bring their first baby home knowing how much their hearts hurt. Why can’t he be grateful he’s still able to walk us down the aisle, hold our babies, come and help fix the broken sink?!

It makes you appreciate! I’ve noticed those who are around me, supporting me and loving me unconditionally. It’s made me appreciate what and who I do have in my corner and I am forever thankful. I also appreciate the new realizations I’ve had. It’s made me realize that toxic is toxic – no matter who the person is. I can’t and won’t hold space for anyone who does not want to be in it. While missing my wedding, my sister’s wedding, future babies, and future holidays are sad…it’s also HIS loss. These are all choices that he made and has to live with. I can only focus on mine and move forward.

It makes you strong! I’m stronger now than I ever was. I’ve come to terms with his decision and accepted who he truly is…and it’s ok! It helped me learn more about myself. My Mom, sister, and I overcame this knowing our new self-worth. Knowing what we will and will not tolerate. I know how I will show my daughter what unconditional love is. That if I was expecting to be loved regardless of who I was, what I did, or who I married…I have to not only raise my daughter the same but show her during those moments because that’s when it truly makes a difference.

Do I think of picking up the phone and trying to call him- yes. Do I also get nervous and feel my heart beating through my chest and get some upper lip sweat thinking about him answering – yes! Sometimes the urge to pick up the phone and say “I miss you” or “what the F is your problem” is high. However, I know it’s much more complicated than that. When I look back on the pain he caused us, I know the distance is better. Our emotional health matters and must come first to break the cycle we find ourselves in…the generational curses as they say. It’s time for us to break the cycle.